


hearts & spades

by Flyzik



Category: All Time Low, Bandom, alex gaskarth - Fandom, jack barakat - Fandom, jalex - Fandom
Genre: All Time Low (Band) - Freeform, Jalex (All Time Low), M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-04
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-04-13 00:02:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4499940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flyzik/pseuds/Flyzik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you walked up to seventeen year old Jack Barakat two weeks ago and asked him to describe to you exactly who he was he'd probably shrug his shoulders, reply with something lazy and uninteresting like - 'just your average teenager, I guess.' That's not particularly a bad thing - not in his opinion at least, he had a loving family, possible football scholarship and a beautiful girlfriend. Back then he saw his life going no where but up. Though if you asked him the same question the day after the love of his life was in a fatal car crash you'd get a totally different answer, Jack Barakat would tell you he was lost.</p>
<p>Alexander Gaskarth has been on this earth for sixteen years, and to you that may not seem like such an achievement. But for Alex, who was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy when he was only a child, it was a miracle. Just as his own heart begins to fail him and every ounce of hope seems pointless one phone call will change it all. They've found a heart just about his size and the exact same blood type, a perfect match, but when he realizes what had to be scarified so he could live, he doesn't feel so okay anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i may not be coming back...

From: Bethany <3 - 8:23 p.m  
What do you love about me?

From: Jacky - 8:28 p.m  
Someones fishing for compliments on this fine evening

From: Bethany <3 - 8:28 p.m  
Someones got something better to do than answer their girlfriends simple question

From: Jacky - 8:29 p.m  
I was busy goofball, besides you already know the answer

From: Bethany <3 - 8:31 p.m  
Oh really, enlighten me

From: Jacky - 8:38 p.m  
Everything

From: Bethany <3 - 8:39 p.m  
That's a dumb answer

From: Jacky - 8:39 p.m  
You're a dumb answer

From: Bethany <3 - 8:55 p.m  
Sorry I'm driving, but come on you knooow you love me

From: Jacky - 8:57 p.m  
Nope, I'm taking back all my love

From: Jacky - 9:20 p.m  
I was just joking babe are you really mad?

From: Jacky - 9:32 p.m  
Don't ignore me Bethanyyy

From: Jacky - 9:40 p.m  
I love you

From: Jacky - 9:40 p.m  
I

From: Jacky - 9:41 p.m  
Love

From: Jacky - 9:41  
You

From: Jacky - 9:50 p.m  
Seriously babe, what's wrong?

From: Jacky - 10:03 p.m  
O h gdo please tll me your mom w as jokcing

From: Jacky - 10:04 p.m  
Bethany answer me right now, I have to know you're okay

From: Jacky - 10:07 p.m  
I'm shking so fu cking bsd please thi s isnt funny

From: Jacky - 10:10 p.m  
This isn't happening I'm going to wake up and this will all be over, you'll come over and we can watch 500 days of summer even though you know how much I hate that movie

From: Jacky - 10:10 p.m  
I'm always scared you think Joseph Gordon is cuter than me

From: Jacky - 10:11 p.m  
No no no no

From: Jacky - 10:13 p.m  
Please come back. You have to come back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that was the terribly written first chapter to a terribly written story i don't know how often this will be updated just yet or if i am even going to be able to complete it - high school is a bitch and so is muse yo.
> 
> title of this chapter and the story in general is from hearts & spades by i the mighty


	2. promise me you won't forget this...

♠ ♠ ♠

Bethany Lynn Newcomb was pronounced dead on Thursday, September 18th at 9:46 p.m., she was seventeen years old. The passengers of the car that slammed into the drivers side of her 2009 Prius were in the hospital for injuries, but were expected to go home within the next few days. The cause of the crash was listed as driving while impaired due to the evidence they were able to scrape up from the wreckage, all of it implying that the lean girl behind the wheel had reached for her phone. Of course the device was ruined in the crash and no one knew exactly who she was talking to, who made her advert her eyes from the road for those few fatal seconds. No one but a certain Jack Barakat.

The raven haired boy was sat criss crossed on his unmade bed when he got the phone call, one hand shoveling potato chips into his mouth while the other blew up the cell of a girl who he thought was simply playing the silent game. Though it was obvious that was not the case when a certain Mrs. Newcomb's number lit up his screen, a hysterical, almost inaudible voice filling the silence the minute he answered.

"She's gone, she's gone. She's really gone." the woman sobbed, the sounds of her desperately gasping for breath making her words run together.

"Slow down, Mrs. Newcomb, what are you talking about?" Jack questioned after swallowing, it was clear that something wrong and he could already feel his heart drop to his feet before his assumptions were even proven.

"It's Bethany. She's dead."

Those four words echoed over and over in his head. He hung up after that. It was awful and probably the worst thing he could have possibly done at a moment like that, but his whole body had gone numb, images of the love of his life battered and bruised being hauled off in an ambulance haunted his mind. Jack felt like he might need one himself as he continued to send messages to the girl's number, it hadn't exactly clicked in his mind just yet how useless that truly was. And when it did hit him he didn't have much time to process it before he was dashing off to the bathroom, falling to his knees on the cold tiles in front of the toilet and riding his stomach of everything he'd eaten that night.

Jack's own mother was awoken by her son's screams, she didn't even recognize the sound - it resembled more of an animal in agony than it did her little boy. And she found that not so little boy crumpled up on the floor, and she wasn't sure what was louder - his sobs or the sound of her heart breaking. His face was pale with a tint of green, his dark hair disheveled and hanging in his bloodshot eyes. In his shaking hands were his car keys, still sat in his boxers with a jacket pulled over one shoulder constantly rocking back and forth as his mother watched helplessly. And Mrs. Barakat didn't even have to ask what had him in so much distress because he repeated the same thing over and over again.

"I killed her. I killed her. Bethany is dead and it's all my fault."

♠ ♠ ♠

Jack didn't sleep that night. His mother had taken the keys, not about to let her son meet the same fate by allowing him to drive in the state he was in. Instead, she herded her son back into his bedroom, stepping over the remittance of his temper tantrum, tiptoeing around shards of broken picture frames and stepping over furniture that had been tossed to the side. The teen fell to the mattress with a thud, his screaming had ceased - maybe because he was starting to let the numbness take over or maybe he just lost his voice. Mrs. Barakat stayed with him, running her hand up and down his spine and humming soft tunes praying her own voice wouldn't fail her now.

"Jack, darling, you've been staring at your breakfast for half an hour now." the fair haired woman sighed, throwing the hand towel she was using into the sink before taking a few steps towards him.

"Can I go see her?" he questioned, his words soft and scratchy thanks to his aching throat. His mother's earlier statement was all but acknowledge as he continued to watch the flakes of cereal swirl around in the bowl.

His mom lifted her hand and ran it through his hair, chubby fingers getting caught in the tangles yet Jack didn't flinch. "Baby, I really don't think you want to..." she attempted to reason, mothers were supposed to be able to fix everything but this wasn't a bump or bruise she could just kiss better.

"I just... I need some closure."

♠ ♠ ♠

Mrs. Barakat didn't need much convincing to give into the wishes of her youngest son, one look into those helpless almond eyes and it was a lost cause. They drove to the hospital in silence, Jack staring out the window, seemingly out of tears by this point, and his mother afraid to move an inch to even turn on the radio incase that would be all it would take to send her boy over the edge again.

Jack absolutely despised hospitals, the air was always thick and reeked of the stench of disinfectant not to mention the fact that it was occupied by the sick and dying. But this time he didn't do much complaining, instead his eyes stayed focused on his shoes - the ones his own mother had to slip him into and tie as if he was in the third grade all over again. In the past few hours the young boy hadn't done much anything but stare at nothing and mumble under his breath as the crippling sorrow swallowed him whole. Even now he stayed motionless until a small hand was sitting on the small of his back and began to push him forwards, his mother had to pressure him to move at all though she knew it took all her son's energy to take a single step forward.

"Jack." a small voice called out to them as they turned onto yet another hallway, the source being a small woman with all too familiar freckles lining her cheeks, her face seeming to have aged overnight. The frail Mrs. Newcomb wrapped her weak arms around the boy's torso, his shirt quickly becoming damp with with her tears but he didn't mind. Right now he wished that he was small again so he could hide away in someones chest too.

"Paula, I think we should go get some fresh air..." Jack's own mother said softly, prying the woman's weak grip free then leading her towards the entrance once more. The sight reminded him that he wasn't the only one who lost someone they loved so dearly, Bethany was the embodiment of perfection and to think she was gone...he didn't know what to believe anymore.

The tension between the two men could be cut with a knife, Bethany's father had his hands clasped together, his dark eyes glossed over just like his daughters would be when she was about to lose the battle with her tears. "Come here, son." he finally spoke up, not looking in Jack's direction until he inched forward.

Mr. Newcomb had been somewhat like a father to him over the course of the three years he'd known the family. At first he was skeptical, putting Jack through every test possible, but he was only trying to protect his only child - his princess. Though it didn't take long for him to realize the lanky teen's intentions, he loved Bethany and her father decided he could share her. And when he discovered Jack's own father had abandoned him ten years prior, well he stepped into his place. Mr. Newcomb was the one cheering the loudest at his football games, he even bother to take him on a fishing trip, a rather unsuccessful one but the two formed a strong bond none the less.

"I miss her." Jack whispered once the elder had draped his arm around his heavy shoulders. It was stating the obvious, but he had to come to terms with the stinging feeling in his heart eventually, and admitting that he was hurting was only the first step of many.

"Me too." it was strange to see her father like this, even though he was a few inches shorter than Jack the man in his mid forties was heavily built with a broad chest and graying hair lining his jaw. If looks could kill Mr. Newcomb would have people in their graves with one glare, but right now his eyes were cast to the ground. He was nothing but a broken shell of the man he used to be.

A few more moments passed before Jack decided to speak again, there really wasn't much they could say. Nothing would bring her back and that was all either of them wanted at the moment. "Can... can I see her?" he asked hesitantly, pulling on his lip with his teeth.

"Not now, they've taken her to the back. She was an organ donor, they're taking what they can salvage." Mr. Newcomb's voice seemed to be vacant of any emotion, sadly the same couldn't be said for the boy standing next to him.

"What do you mean!? You're just going to let them pick her over like that? Dissect her like some kind... some kind of fucking animal?" Jack's voice trembled like his hands as the emptiness of misery was replaced with meaningless rage.

"Listen, Jack, she would have wanted this..."

The man hardly got much out of his mouth before he was cut off with another protest from the other who seemed more like a helpless toddler throwing a fit rather than an actual threat. "No, no, no, she's mine they can't do this!"

The swirling emotions and eerie silence around them made it near impossible for anyone to keep calm, "She was mine too! And I would give anything to hold my little girl again, but if by doing this someone else can see their child another day, then I'm going to let them take what they need."

He was right, and Jack knew it. Bethany would be mad as fire if she found out she was buried with something that could have been used to save someone else's life. So he didn't say a word more, just nodded.

"Think of it this way, as long as that heart keeps beating...she'll live on."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another update already because i don't really feel like the last chapter really counted as much  
> and if you were wondering - yes this is going to be a jalex eventually. hopefully i'll be able to introduce mr.alex next chapter.
> 
> thanks for reading and what not c:


	3. promise me you shall not dwell...

Another phone call was made that same night that would change the lives of yet another family on the other side of Baltimore, this time for the best.

Alexander Gaskarth was laid out on his messy bedroom floor, papers and pencils strewn out before him with an acoustic guitar not too far away. With only a small lamp to light his work and music blaring from his headphones. Lately this is how the boy spent all his time as his conditions were worsening, he could hardly get up to his room on the second floor without having to pause and catch his breath. It was obvious to everyone around him that he didn't have much longer - his brunette hair and caramel eyes had lost their shine and his skin was vacant of its once healthy glow. Not that he was ever completely healthy - this was all he had known. Ever since being diagnosed with cardiomyopathy Alex didn't get a taste of what it was like to be a normal teenager, his life consisted of medicine and doctors visits. And the only end in sight was death itself.

When his mother came bursting into his room he didn't even hear her enter, his eyes were too busy scanning the words he had recently scribbled into his notebook as he mouthed the words to the New Found Glory song he was currently listening to. He didn't look up until about the third time she called his name, pulling out one headphone and raising a brow. Then he noticed that she was crying and, as if by instinct, jumped to his feet and placed his hands on her small shoulders.

"What's going on mom, what's wrong?" Alex asked, his voice laced with concern, it wasn't everyday your mother came into your room in the middle of the night with tears streaming down her face. But he didn't get a reply, just a few shakes of the head. "I don't understand, you have to talk to me." he tried again and this time when she removed the hand that was cupped around her mouth, there was a smile.

"They found you a heart." at first her statement went over his head, which tilted slightly to the side as the words left her lips. Though she began to explain before he even had the chance to ask. "The right size, perfect blood type... everything. They want you at the hospital as soon as possible for your surgery."

"Does, does this mean..." he started, his mind racing to comprehend exactly what this news meant.

"That you're going to live? To actually live like you should have been all these years? Yes, baby, I knew our prayers would be answered." and with that Mrs.Gaskarth pulled her son into a bone crushing hug, standing on her tiptoes to press a kiss to his forehead before turning on her heels and leaving the room so her boy could start getting ready for the long night they had ahead of them.

Alex stumbled over to his bed and sat on the mattress, this was it - this was actually happening. And it was a lot to take in, but he had to start getting ready so he could be whisked away to the hospital, which wasn't new. But this time he was going to be having heart surgery, they were going to have to take out his own broken heart and replace it with a new one, well new for him anyway. Which means that he was going to die, at least for a little while, and have to be shocked back to life. There was so much at risk here, he could die now in their attempt to prolong his life, now that'd be ironic. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't scared out of his mind.

♠ ♠ ♠

There was a surprising amount of people rushing around at the hospital for it being so late at night, but Alex of all people knew there were no slow times here - someone always needed something. And there was always a depressing atmosphere hanging around him when he came here, he could have even sworn he heard people crying as his usual doctor led him and his parents towards the transplant section of the hospital. It hadn't quite dawned on the young boy what must have happened to the person who had the heart before now, at the moment he was much too concerned with how he personally was going to make it out alive.

Being afraid wasn't unjustified, that was clear as the elderly man decked in scrubs explained to the Gaskarth's the risks of this procedure. Alex could not wake up afterwards, he could die on the operating table and if he managed to make it out of that alive, there was still the possibility that as perfect as the heart may seem, his body could reject it. As the doctor recited the facts like he was reading lines on paper Alex saw, in the corner of his eyes, his parents grab each others hand and give them a tight squeeze. Then suddenly it was all so real, too real, but all he could do was swallow the lump in his throat and pray everything went according to plan.

♠ ♠ ♠

The surgery had to happen that night - the heart could only last so long with the help of a machine. At the moment Alex was enveloped in his father's grasp, he could feel warm tears falling on top of his head, but he didn't dare say a word because if he had he too would have broken down. But it was a million times worse when it was his mother's turn to say her temporary goodbye's.

"I love you Alexander, please don't ever forget that. You're so strong..."

The dimple faced boy couldn't bare to let her finish, they'd surely both loose their composure if he had. "Mom, mom, I'm going to be just fine." he of course didn't know that, and he knew his mother was probably aware that he was talking out of his ass but they both smiled nonetheless.

A few more kisses and smothering embraces, then the nurse was leading him into another room, making him change out of his Spiderman pajamas and into a little too revealing gown. As the middle aged woman was getting his vitals, she must have noticed there were some second thoughts running through Alex's head, which should be expected. "Relax, sweetie. You're in good hands. And that heart you're getting? I heard it was in great hands."

That was when he woke up, someone had to die in order for him to get this procedure, one that may not even be successful. Someone had to die just so he could have a chance to live. Someone with a family and friends, just like him. The overthinking sent him into a panic. He ran a hand through his hair as his breathing became ragged, he could see his hands shaking in his blurred vision as his cripple heart began to pump faster. How could he be so selfish? How could he live with himself after knowing that the heart he owned belonged to someone whose family was grieving?

Meanwhile the hospital staff around him were whispering reassuring words that he was paying no attention to, not even when a man pushed him down so he was lying on his back. They didn't have much time, they had to get him into surgery regardless of him being emotionally ready. A mask was brought up to his face and the last thing he was able to comprehend were the instructions, "Count down from ten Alexander..."

♠ ♠ ♠

Eight hours later doctors had successfully given Alexander William Gaskarth a new heart and another chance at life. Thirty-six hours later and that same boy was starting to wake up to start really living for the first time. But this new life of his was going to hold more obstacles than he could have ever imagined.

There was some pain, but only in his head. As his eyes fluttered open he was temporarily blinded by the bright light, his hearing returning only to be welcomed by the sound of a constant beeping. Blinking a few times and the hospital room came into focus, Alex felt like he had died and came back to life which, in a way, was exactly what had happened.

"Wakey, Wakey darling. How are you feeling?" the voice sounded so far away, but as Alex's head fell heavily to the side, he saw his mother sitting only a few inches away, his hand clutched in hers as wires flared out from his wrist. He managed to respond with a raspy groan, that was about the best he could do at the moment.

As the petite boy pushed himself up into a sitting position, or at least attempted to, he felt as if he weighed a thousand pounds and soon gave up on moving at all. The wrist of the hand his mom wasn't holding was gently strapped to the bed and a breathing tube was soon aggravatingly noticeable as it scratched at his nose - but none of that was his main concern. Once the confusion pasted the first thing Alex thought to do was look down at his chest, there were bandages covering what he thought must be a rather brutal incision, but he couldn't feel a thing, they must have had him on some serious pain killers.

It didn't take long for him to realize he couldn't talk, maybe it was from the tubes they recently removed from his throat or maybe he just didn't have the energy to try. But he didn't have to worry about talking because his mother had already taken over doing all of that.

"I ran into the donor's parents..." Mrs. Gaskarth began, that was probably the last thing he needed to hear at the moment, but he didn't have the voice to protest, he had no choice but to listen and let the guilt wash over him. He had hardly woke up twenty minutes ago and he was already having all of this thrown in his face. "They said you were in their prayers, that their little girl is probably at peace knowing loosing her life meant saving yours."

Shut up, shut up, shut up. Right now that was the only thing running through his mind, a family lost a daughter and for some reason he felt responsible, but nothing could have prepared him for what his mother said next.

"They want you to come to the funeral..."

Alex was going to have to come face to face with the body of the person who saved his life, and come face to face with the family whose dead little girl's heart was currently beating in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i hate this chapter so so so much. i know its rushed and probably doesn't make a tad bit of sense but i didn't want to bore/confuse you even more by going into all the medical detail and what not. ill be sure to give some back story to alex's disease in later chapters ^^
> 
> i just wanted to hurry up and get to the part where jack and alex meet because everyone is here for some good ole jalex
> 
> hopefully the next chapter wont be as revolting, thanks for reading ^^


	4. life runs it's cycle...

Two weeks passed, but to Jack Barakat it felt more like two decades. Ever since that day he'd hardly left his room except to eat and shower and that was only when it was completely necessary. His mother was worried sick about him - hell, everyone was. And today was bound to be the worst of them all.

"That's not too tight, right?" questioned Rian as he fiddled with the tie around the taller teen's neck. The stocky boy was Jack's best, and pretty much only at this point, friend and had been visiting him as much as he could manage since Bethany's passing. It was only a few hours before the girl's funeral and he had a feeling the elder was going to need as much support as possible, even if that meant practically dressing him. Dressing him in a tux that was meant to be worn to Jack and Bethany's senior prom and would now be worn to her funeral instead.

The raven haired boy shrugged his heavy shoulders, staring past his companion and into his reflection. His hair was flat and plastered to his pale face, the dark circles under his eyes standing out against his sickly complexion. Jack looked a mess, but none of that could compare to how he was feeling on the inside.

"Listen Jack, I know this is probably the hardest fucking thing to go through, but you can't let her death kill you too. I need my best friend back." the other continued when he noticed he was being ignored, giving Jack's jacket a few quick tugs before turning towards the mirror and working on his own appearance. Rian had been good friends with Bethany, but no one's pain came close to the heart break Jack was currently experiencing. Except maybe her parents who were already at the funeral home probably clutching each other while starring into the casket that held their dead baby girl.

Jack ran his hand through his hair and took a deep breath before exhaling, "Sorry..." he had been saying that word a lot lately, it was almost the only one that ever left his lips. But he was sorry, sorry that he wasn't there for Rian, sorry he was putting his mother through so much stress, and most of all sorry that it was Bethany who was being buried instead of him.

♠ ♠ ♠

He was going to throw up. Jack was currently sitting in the front row of a church he'd never heard, of his legs were bouncing up and down anxiously as he tugged at the tailored sleeves of his tux. Currently one of Bethany's aunts was standing in front of an open casket, one that he hadn't even glanced in the direction of - he didn't want to see her like this, he wasn't ready to face reality just yet. His stomach was churning he wasn't sure if it was because of the fact that his dead girlfriend was only a few feet away or because neglectful family member after back stabbing friend walked up and talked as if they gave one ounce of a fuck about her. Nobody loved Bethany like Jack did, he was jealous of everyone who knew her.

The church was decorated with pictures of the freckle faced gal's smile and her favorite flowers - blue roses. Jack couldn't count how many times he had stopped by the local flower shop and asked for the 'usual' that consisted of nothing but the brightly colored plants she adored so much. Being in a room filled with nothing but the things Bethany loved wasn't easing his nausea.

"Now we're going to have someone who was fairly important to Ms. Newcomb share a few words, Jack Barakat." an elderly man announced, Jack assumed he was the funeral director but had been doing his best not to pay much attention. He couldn't afford to cry, not again.

His mother gave his knee a reassuring squeeze that caused his eyes to travel up to her own. She offered a small encouraging nod before he pushed himself to his feet. The few steps that it took to stand next to the casket seemed like miles, all gazes were on him as he did everything in his power to keep his off her. Off Bethany who was laying lifeless merely inches away now. All he wanted to do was hold her but soon enough she be under dirt and gravel, and he'd never see that gorgeous face again.

At first Jack remained silent, standing in front of Bethany's friends and family who were all staring at him with tears in their eyes. What could possibly say? There were no words for what he was feeling, for what any of them were feeling after losing someone so beautiful. But he owed it to her, he could never repay her for loving him, but he could sure as hell try and make sure she went out with the bang she always wanted. With that the lanky teen cleared his throat and let the words spill from his lips.

"I'm not here to regurgitate the things we all loved about her, because god knows I loved everything." he began, scanning the crowd to see Bethany's mother lean into her husband and offer a small sad grin. "I'm going to address her, we all know she's listening. She loves all of us, Bethany loved everything - even me. Which I thought was impossible." Jack reached to pull at the tie around his neck that seemed to suddenly be choking him. "And she is so much more than just my girlfriend. Every time someone asked me to describe home, I wanted to say her name. Everyone expects you to say place, but I'd be lying if I said there was a building that made me feel more at peace than the space between her arms." he felt like he wasn't making any sense, and he probably wasn't as he was spurting out sentences one after another. Jack didn't even both to stop to breath because if he did the tears would surely find their way out. "I know I should move on, it's what you would have wanted. But how can I move on when every time my mind wanders, it goes straight to you?"

"You were so powerful. Kind, open hearted, creative and passionate. You had your own fire burning inside of you and now the flame has burned out. The smell of smoke still stings the back of my throat. What happened cannot be changed, and I cannot go back to where I was. But even though I am healing I still feel your light and thanks to you I will never be the same person I was before."

♠ ♠ ♠

After the ceremony it was time for everyone to walk up and say their final goodbyes, and it was fair to say that Jack was avoiding this like the plague. Bethany's parents were standing beside her casket, her mother still in tears as she held onto her lover's arm for support - without it she seemed like she would collapse. People walked up to them to say a few words of condolence before moving on to peak at the girl frozen in an eternal sleep.

"You have to go see her, darling." came a small voice, interrupting his echoing thoughts. His mother looped their arms together and did her best to break her son out of his trance.

"I don't want to see her like this..." Jack murmured as he leaned into his mother like a small child, wishing he was still young enough to cling to her leg and hide from the world. Ever since his father left the Barakat's had been inseparable and seeing her son in pain hurt her as well. But at this point, him getting better seemed more like a dream rather than a possibility.

"I know, Jack, but this is the last time you will ever get to see her at all"

Mother's were always right and this was no exception. When it became obvious that he had accepted defeat she released his arm and allowed him to step forward. Jack could hear his heart beating in his ears and each step made him feel as if his legs were going to fall out from beneath him but nothing could prepare him for what he was about to see.

She was wearing a beautiful white summer dress, her hands crossed over her lower stomach in what was suppose to be a peaceful position but to Jack it looked stiff and unnatural. Whoever had taken the time to do her makeup had done it wrong, Bethany always preferred light and unnoticeable but they had cake on the foundation and mascara - most likely to distract you from the fact that her cheeks no long had their pink glow. This was the first time he had seen her since the accident and with deep breath he was falling apart all over again.

He ran his hand through her long brunette hair, she usually kept it natural and falling in gorgeous waves down her back but at the moment it was straighten and placed neatly against each of her shoulders. Though he should give someone some credit, it was impossible to tell that she had met her untimely end in a terrible crash as there wasn't a scratch in sight.

"What the fuck am I suppose to do without you?" he whispered, biting his trembling lip and digging the palms of his hands in his eyes so his tears didn't fall and soil her beauty. "I see you every where and I can't fucking breathe. Please, please, come home." no amount of begging was going to fulfill his wish and he knew that, but he was out of options.

Leaving her was the hardest part, knowing that you'd never get to lay a hand on the love of your life ever again. Jack leaned down and pressed a kiss to the tip of her cold nose before retreating back to the corner he had been standing in. Mrs. and Mr. Newcomb attempted to signal him over but he wasn't in the mood to talk to them, he wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. Except maybe Bethany.

♠ ♠ ♠

Unfortunately for the seventeen year old it wasn't long until someone made their way to where he had receded - a short boy with shaggy caramel hair and a nervous smile. Jack had never seen this boy in his life so he assumed he must have been one of Bethany's distant cousins or a family member by marriage that wanted to mingle with the man closes to her.

"A-are you Jack?" the stranger asked nervously, playing with the sleeves of his tux that was much too large for his tiny frame. Despite his size and frail appearance he couldn't have been much younger than Jack himself.

"That depends on whose's asking." he replied coldly, whipping his eyes once more to make sure he removed any trace that he was crying before this guy could make assumptions.

"I'm Alex... the boy who got Bethany's heart."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and there we have it. another crappy chapter but at least jack and alex interact for a whole two sentences. there will be more in the next chapter i think, hope, who knows.
> 
> sorry again for them being kind of rushed but i didn't want to make you guys too sad with all this funeral business cx
> 
> thanks for reading ^^


	5. take me back to the day we met...

"Alexander, would you stop fooling around. We're going to be late." called Mrs. Gaskarth from the bathroom across the hall, rushing her son who was locked away in his bedroom.

"I can't do this, mum." he retorted, speaking loud enough that his voice could be heard from the other side of the door. Alex had been staring at his reflection for ages now - eyes running over the bruises that were left on his arms from all the needles and tubes. But more than anything his gaze lingered on the large scar running down the center of his chest. His head only turned from the large mirror when he heard someone enter, a small woman revealing herself with a sympathetic look on her face.

"I look a mess, what if they don't like me? What am I even supposed to say to them?" the teen said, clearly flustered as his hands tore at his hair. His mother only shook her head, picking his dress shirt up off his bed and handing it to him.

"You've only been home a few days and all you've done is worry..." she began as her son slipped his arms through the fabric in defeat. Alex may have been the one who went under the knife, but he sure as hell wasn't the only one who was stressed. Though his parents couldn't be happier that the surgery was a success, they also couldn't help but be tense when their child spent most of his time pacing anxiously across his bedroom. "I understand you're nervous, but you owe them this. Besides, there is nothing to be afraid of - our family just got a little bigger is all."

♠ ♠ ♠

As if being at a funeral wasn't already unnerving enough, attending one with people you've never met was even more anxiety inducing. And the church was packed with people with red cheeks and tear filled eyes. The ceremony had already started and finished by the time Alex and his parents arrived and everyone was speaking in soft voices and peeking into the casket a few feet away. The girl who lost her life that night must have been rather extraordinary for this many people to show up and mourn for her.

Her photo was plastered everywhere you looked, a sweet freckled smile at every turn. She was beautiful, Alex would give her that. And judging by the trophies that also decorated the large open room, she was sporty and an overall talented girl. Maybe the phrase 'the good die young' was more than just an old saying after all. Whoever this girl was, she didn't deserve to die and Alex sure as hell felt like he didn't deserve to live in her place.

The young boy's eyes stayed trained on the ground after that, avoiding the sad gazes of those around him - he could really go without any more guilt at the moment. He followed behind his mother and father like a shadow, cowering behind them as if he was a small child. And at the moment he felt like one, helpless and scared. Right now Alex wanted nothing more than to disappear and craving such a thing only made him feel even worse.

"You must be Alexander." came a man's voice after a few more steps forward, peaking up through his fringe Alex's eyes were met with a middle aged man who wore a sorrowful grin. All he could do was nod before ducking his head once more. "Well, I'm Richard Newcomb, and this is my wife Paula. Our daughter was Bethany..."

His voice seemed to trail off after that so Alex's father took the opportunity to shake the other man's hand before shooting his son a disappointed glare. The teen's silence was rather rude, but he couldn't think of a word to say, thank you for giving birth to a girl who just so happened to die right in time to give me a heart and a few more years to live? ?

Mrs. Gaskarth didn't let the silence stand for long. She went on a tangent about how Alex was a superb son and an outstanding student, even mentioning his plans for college and how he wanted to become a veterinarian. His mother was more than likely trying to somehow convince Bethany's family that their daughter's heart would not go to waste, that it was put towards prolonging a life that would be a valuable one. As if they would ever see a life more valuable than their own child's.

Soon enough, he grew tired of hearing about himself - this wasn't about him. Alex wasn't the one about to be lowered into the dirt. "Can you tell me about Bethany?" he blurted out, completely interrupting his mother and earning himself and glare from his father. And the Newcomb's seemed hesitant for a moment, maybe surprised to find out the boy could even speak at all after the silent treatment he had been giving them.

"If you want to know more about Bethany you should talk to the person who knew her better than anyone - her boyfriend, Jack."

♠ ♠ ♠

He was standing alone in the corner, lanky and hidden behind a mop of raven hair just like the Newcomb's had described him. But for some reason Alex was even more afraid to approach this Jack character than he was the girl's parents. Especially since he seemed to be crying at the moment, not that the younger judged him for it. He couldn't imagine the pain he must be experiencing. It was debatable which was worse - a literal broken heart or a metaphorical one.

"A-are you Jack?" he choked after slinking closer to the man in question, pulling at his clothes and trying his best to appear as small as possible. There was something about that almond gaze that sent shivers down his spine.

"That depends on whose's asking." the taller of the two spat, obviously just attempting to cover up the fact that there was clearly tears dripping from his chin and onto the floor. But Alex didn't see him as weak, the exact opposite actually.

"I'm Alex... the boy who got Bethany's heart." he didn't know how exactly he should have gone about introducing himself, but that seemed to grab maybe-not-Jack's attention, his eyebrows unknotting as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

"Oh... yeah, I'm Jack. Sorry about that... it's just..."

"This has to be really hard for you I understand. I mean I don't but, I mean..." Alex was already stumbling all over himself, wanting nothing more than to turn and run, maybe go hide behind his mother like a frightened toddler. But then he heard a chuckle, a weak, sad chuckle, but a chuckle nonetheless.

"Relax. I'm not going to bite. What do you want to know?" elder cut him off, sniffling slightly between sentences. Clearly he was trying to make this conversation as casual as possible - for both of their sakes. Jack was heart broken and Alex was a nervous wreck, they could really go without even more emotional shit storms.

"Uh... everything?" he said uncertainly, one thick eyebrow disappearing under shaggy brunette hair.

"Everything might take a while to cover..."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I-I was just curious is all, I don't want to bother you or anything..." Alex could feel the panic set in then, hands shaking and breath quickening. He may have a new heart, but it didn't come with any additional courage so he was the same anxious mess he'd always been.

"Alex, I just meant maybe another time. How about I pick you up tomorrow and show you around to some of her favorite places? I'll tell you anything you want to know."

There was something about the forced side smile and friendly tone that made that an impossible offer to decline. So he let his own dimpled grin slip before nodding his head, "Yeah, that sounds great actually."

♠ ♠ ♠

Maybe it was because Alex was so desperate to repay a debt he could never return or maybe it was because Jack was determined to hold on to what was left of his former girlfriend, whatever it was the boys ended up swapping numbers that afternoon with intents of meeting up the very next day.

The small teenager was sitting on his front porch, hands hidden in his hoodie sleeves as he stared out at the trees in his yard. To make matters worse, his heart felt like it was about to burst from his chest. Why had he agreed to go off with practically a complete stranger in the first place? Oh yeah, because he owed it to said stranger's dead girlfriend. But just as he was beginning to second guess his decision and text Jack some kind of excuse, a car horn honked from a few feet away.

"Hey." Jack chirped as the other got settled in the passenger seat, he looked just the same as he did yesterday if not worse - dark bags under his chocolate eyes and his almost black hair clearly unbrushed and hanging in his face.

"Hey." he echoed, snapping his seatbelt into place and automatically turning to stare out the window. Maybe if he didn't look he could forget about just how uncomfortable this situation was.

"I was thinking of taking you to the coffee shop a few minutes from here, it was Bethany's favorite." the driver commented once they had pulled out of the drive way, the boy next to him had remained silent as always.

"I'm not too fond of coffee." Alex tagged on, his voice barely audible over the sound of the air-conditioner that was blaring in mid-September for whatever reason.

"They have hot chocolate too, goofy." he said with another slightly forced giggle, eyes straying from the road to the body in the seat to his right. The younger was practically laying on the door, as if he was trying to keep as much distance between them as possible.

Silence never sat well with Jack, when he wasn't running his mouth he was usually listening to someone else running theirs so the eerie quietness that was lying between them wasn't going to stick around for long if he had any say in it. "Why are you so awkward?" he suddenly asked, his tone still friendly, but the question still came off as rude regardless.

"Excuse me?"

"You're just so quiet. I thought maybe since you had Bethany's heart inside you or whatever, maybe you'd act a bit like her." there was an obvious bit of disappointment in Jack's voice but Alex did his best to ignore it. Did he really think the two would become friends?

"Ever since my diagnoses my mother homeschooled me, just so she could keep a close eye on my condition. I guess this whole socializing thing is new to me."

"Oh... that sucks."

"Yeah."

Neither boy said anything after that, just stared ahead. And Alex found himself wishing he was anywhere but there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay guys this is literally my least favorite chapter yet, its pretty poorly written, rushed and awkward but i wrote it rather fast and rather late so i'll probably come back and tweak it tomorrow
> 
> but hey its more easy going and less sad now that jack and alex are talking huh? c: i have this whole story planned out now and im pretty excited once we get over this awful transition from sad bethany to yay jalex


	6. i feel the pain in your heart...

That old coffee shop still smelled the same, it was filled with the same smiling faces and the same sound of relaxing whispers. Yet for Jack, it couldn't be any different. Sitting across from him was not the usual talkative brunette. Instead, there was a frail timid boy whose caramel eyes were focused on the steaming mug of hot chocolate before him. The elder, however, had ordered Bethany's favorite coffee, for some reason it was comforting. Jack should really stop doing things that reminded him of her, at this rate he'd never recover. But every time he attempted to erase her name from his mind it found a way back. Whenever the pain stopped even for a second, it would come back ten times worse.

Take just a few moments ago, for example. He had walked into the cozy little shop with his new companion in tow. The minute he reached the cashier, a blonde haired girl with a crooked smile, she asked the question he had been silently praying he wouldn't hear. She had questioned the location of the slender girl who was usually wrapped around his arm. Jack had visually flinched. Just as Alex had opened his mouth to answer for him, he cut him off and blankly told the girl that Bethany had passed away. Then the employee simply apologized for his lost and took their orders without another word.

Though the tense atmosphere didn't last long. The smaller of the two had asked how much the drink would cost and Jack simply shook his head informing him that he was going to be paying. Of course that came with a little protest. Every time he had offered to pay for his girlfriend's coffee when they visited this very shop she would cause a scene too. But instead of arguing and stomping his foot Alex just took out a few bills from his back pocket. That tactic would prove worthless when the cashier returned and the raven haired boy paid before the other had a chance to. As a result Alex's eyebrows knitted together stubbornly and he crossed his arms across his chest, but Jack saw his small smile and mirrored it without any thought.

"I can see why this place was her favorite." Alex began, pulling the other out of his thoughts and back into reality, which was honestly the last place he wanted to be right now.

"Yeah..." was only the response he could manage. It wasn't that he didn't like this new boy, it was just that he couldn't exactly wrap his mind around the fact that he was carrying a piece of Bethany, that a part of her was still very much here.

"So... uh, why don't you tell me a bit about her?" he continued awkwardly, pulling his hands back into his lap so he could watch his fingers nervously pick at the sleeves of his hoodie.

Jack took another sip of the bitter liquid, which he couldn't understand how Bethany loved it so much, before answering. "I wouldn't even know where to start..."

"Maybe you can tell me your favorite memory of her or something..." Alex suggested, shrugging his heavy shoulders. "I'd feel like a thief if I didn't even bother to get to know my donor."

Alex may not have known Bethany but Jack could tell that he was determined and this meant quite a lot to him. And there wasn't a person in the world who knew more about that girl than he did, the least he could do was to help this kid find some peace. Besides, talking to him about her made it all hurt a little less.

"I guess I can tell you about the last time I saw her alive..."

♠ ♠ ♠

_"Jack, I swear to god if you jump out and scare me, I will pee on everything you love." called out a young seventeen year old girl as she tiptoed into her kitchen. Her eyes scanned over the empty room, but still found no sign of the person she was searching for._

_"Can girls even do that?" came a voice from behind her, causing her to jump and scream before cupping her hand over her mouth._

_"Yes, they can. And you've been warned, asshole." Bethany pouted once she regained her composure. She spun around on her heels and punched the boy's shoulder with all the strength she could muster. Which was actually quite a lot and made a lanky Jack Barakat whimper and run his hand over the forming bruise._

_"Then have fun pissing on yourself." he said cheekily as his hands found their way to her hips, pulling her in for a kiss, but she turned her head so his lips pressed against her cheek instead._

_"I hate you." the brunette mumbled as she wiggled out of his grip and made her way to the living room, Jack was of course following right behind her._

_"Bethany Lynn Newcomb." the elder said in a playful tone, jumping over the back of the couch to sit next to his girlfriend who was obviously beginning to give him the silent treatment._

_And she was silent for a few more moments before asking a seemingly random and absurd question. "Do you hate me?" she began hesitantly._

_"Baby, what kind of question is that?" Jack questioned, actually starting to panic because she would ever think such a thing._

_"It's just I've been having this really weird feeling lately..." Bethany said with a sigh, letting her head fall to the side and rest on his shoulder, he instinctively wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her closer. "Like...like something bad is going to happen. And I don't know. I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you."_

_"Bethany, look at me." Jack insisted, only to get a shake of the head in response. He let out a breath, reaching over to tuck her messy hair behind her ear before trying again. "Pleaseee"_

_Eventually his begging and puppy dog eyes broke down her resistance and she let out another deep breath before giving in. "What?"_

_"I love you." he retorted, gaining an eye roll in return. "I love you so fucking much, and I swear I'm never going anywhere. I'm...I'm going to marry you one day."_

_"Jack, stop." Bethany protested, pressing against his chest in another attempt to escape. But this time he wasn't about to let her go. She needed to see how much she meant to him, how his whole world seemed to revolve around her._

_"No, I am serious. You just...you have to understand because I'm terrible with words and I don't think there is a thing in the world to compare this to." he wished that he could string together a sentence that would put tears in her eyes. If only he could piece together a speech and make her see herself the way he did..._

_"So, you really want me to be Mrs. Bethany Barakat, huh?" she asked with a weak smirk forming on her lips that Jack automatically returned._

_"'Till death do us part."_

♠ ♠ ♠

Jack ended his story short. Mostly because his throat felt like it was closing in on itself. And the boy on the other side of the table didn't say a word. He frowned as he watched the older man's face crumple, clearly losing the battle against his tears. "Fuck." was the last thing he uttered before he fell completely apart, face dropping into his hands. And all Alex could do was watch helplessly.

"Jack..." he attempted, shifting under the feeling of a dozen pairs of eyes being focused in their direction. Of course he received no response, his friend was probably far too busy trying not to scream and shout at the world for being so unfair. For taking away his sunshine and leaving him with nothing but darkness. But soon the sight became too much for Alex and he pushed himself to his feet only to slide into the booth with Jack. He ran his hand up and down his back in an awkward and desperate attempt to comfort him. The younger knew he couldn't do anything to fix this, but he couldn't just sit back and watch.

"I miss her... I miss her s-so fucking much." Jack stuttered, his whole body shivering as his stomach twisted in knots. He hadn't eaten in days but he felt as if those two sips of disgusting coffee he had nervously gulped down were going to come back to haunt him.

"Shh, I know. It's okay." Alex knew that was a lie, how could things ever be okay again? He still didn't know much about Bethany but he could tell by the way Jack talked about her that he loved her - there was a certain gleam in his eyes and a small smile stayed planted on his lips before reality hit him. And she must have loved him too. If he was ever going to repay his debt to that girl he could start by protecting the boy who meant the world to her. The seventeen year old was rather broken himself, but he'd do everything in his power to put Jack back together.

Alex pulled the elder down so his head could rest on his chest, a rather strange looking position due to their size difference but a comfortable one none the less. It was strange how sorrow seemed to bring the two together so quickly. He ran his hands through the mess of the others raven hair and rocked gently back and forth. The sound of the busy coffee shop had appeared to die down as all eyes were on them, but right now Jack couldn't care less. Because at the moment, in the silence, he could hear the sound of the gentle beating of a heart. Then he decided maybe, just maybe, everything would be alright after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while!! a long long while, but hey guess whose back! this is a pretty short and crappy story but i hope you enjoy!


End file.
